I’ve been struggling with the direction of this writing space. I originally started it as a place to talk about what I was dealing with in regards to my mom’s care. I ended up not writing much about that because my emotions were so raw. I wasn’t sure I could handle publishing those intensely personal stories because people I know would read those dark expressions of exhaustion, and that thought terrified me into silence. Yet, I find myself still thinking there is someone somewhere who is also dealing with the rawness and loneliness of caregiving and they’re searching, digging, clawing for someone who relates. That’s what I did.
And in the middle of the caring for my (mostly sweet) dear mother, I found myself at odds with my place of worship. The caregiving and the experiences in the “house of God” are so tightly intertwined…the realizations I’m having as I journey through healing, well, oddly enough I still love those people, still care about what happens to that place of meeting, and I find myself grappling with how to express what I felt without causing more pain in all of that situation.
And now, I find myself (we, Hubster & I, find ourselves) in a place where we seek to establish a place of safety and peace at our farm. It seems as though there are huge obstacles at almost every turn and junction. We have huge dreams — dreams which will only be fulfilled through divine intervention. So we hope as Abraham…he hoped against hope. (Romans 4:18)
Today I am full of questions…how, what, why, when, where? Today I’d like to have a sit-down conversation with God, face-to-face actually. I’d like Him to zap me with understanding, along with healing the misunderstandings among friends which accompanied long-term caregiving.
Today I choose to believe, even though things seem hopeless, that the good work begun will be carried to completion. (Philippians 1:6) I choose to believe that God is able to do exceedingly above all that we ask or hope for. (Ephesians 3:20-21) I choose to believe that we will be connected to the right people and sources for healing and for the realization of our dreams. (Philippians 4:19) We will do the steps along the way. The easy ones and the hard ones.
The journey of a thousand miles passes with each step taken.